Hard day at the office.

It has been quite hard in work today, not just the 12 hour shift but the echoeings of last nights programme “the mummy diaries”.
I have been really thinking about what I need to do for my babies,
I need to leave a memory box and a book as I want them to feel I am still here and still nagging at them even if it was from the pages of a handmade manual.

When I came home from work, there was complete uproar as the little one had had one of his outbursts and my older son had clashed with him. I come in and have to find some order in it and I do wonder what would happen if I wasn’t there to hold it all together. Like all families, mine relies on me heavily. Shopping, driving, paying bills ect…I really don’t have time for cancer!
I sometimes find this exhausting and feel I have no escape, only the predictable one.
I love my family to pieces and really want to be there as long as I can for them. I don’t feel I can promise that and it hurts so much when I think about what will happen.
I have got a lot of anger also, anger that I even have to go through this. I know I will get the payout but that is worthless compared to what I am going to lose. I don’t want to sound ungrateful as there are an awful lot of people with plueral plaque and Meso who will get nothing and that is something I would like to change.
I am going to start again when I get the payment…a new life with my children no matter how long it is.